Here’s to the Hearts that Ache
La La Land is one of my all-time favorite movies. Two beautiful people who sing and dance, banter and flirt, fall in love and support each other’s dreams…even if it means letting go of each other (though that’s not my favorite part). There is something deeply soothing and satisfying about submersing myself in a story that feels so much more grand than my own life. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family more than words can express — my husband, my kids, my church, my home. There’s just something about dreaming of being glamorous, doing marvelous things, and being a talented enough singer and performer to get to do it as your main thing. I’d get burned out after a few months, I’m sure…but there’s a piece of my heart that will always adore being on stage.
If you’re a fellow La La Land fan, what’s your favorite song from the movie? City of Stars? Someone in the Crowd? A Lovely Night? They’re all great, but the one that really grabs me and plunges me deep into that ocean of feelings that wells up from within and fills my eyes with crocodile tears as I belt out the chorus…can you guess it (since I basically made it the title of this post, haha!)? Are you also a fool who dreams? Gah! Mia’s Audition song… If you’ve ever auditioned for anything, I’m sure you know the waves of trepidation that pulse through your body as you try to convince yourself that you’re indifferent – that you will be fine with another role (or no role at all)…that you’ve got plenty you could/should be doing instead of being in another show. The inevitable weakness that hijacks your diaphragm and vocal chords…you KNOW you can do better, you nailed it in the car 15 minutes ago, but now when something depends on it, your muscles have chosen mutiny. So, THAT is where my memory goes as I listen to this song: the feeling of an audition. And then, the story she tells about her aunt, and how the story feels like it’s almost about me – the dreamer, the fool, the creative, the quirky weirdo that at some point in her life realized it didn’t matter what “normal” people thought of her because what she was crafting was a marvelous kaleidoscope of warmth and joy and laughter to be enjoyed by all who were lucky enough to know her. The score swells with paradoxical brilliance and madness…and as it settles, I feel drained, poured-out, almost empty, but deep down there is a warm glow, a flickering flame that has ignited at knowing I am not alone. There are other dreamers, weirdos, and fools like me – they blend colors, weave words, manipulate forms, and orchestrate melodies. They sing, they dance, they bring characters to life. Merriment and mirth are in their wake. Their hearts are welcoming (and vulnerable). They may be rowdy or reserved, but they will be the most dazzling souls you will have the privilege of knowing.
I noticed something last night during rehearsal. I missed a line that I feel is important for the scene (I was supposed to scream…so it makes a difference for that to be missing). Unfortunately, I am also struggling a LOT with PMDD symptoms this week (yay for it being during show week…). The difference that PMDD makes? What would normally be about 30 seconds of me being annoyed with myself for missing a line became an inner spiral of “that voice” berating me for half the scene. I’ve told you about “that voice” before, right? The voice of PMDD — the one that is essentially verbally abusive and beats me over the head about what an awful second-rate human being I am. Yeah. That one. Needless to say, I was fighting back tears while trying to stay in character. On my way home, I realized how I absolutely would not have let myself fall apart in front of people. Even if a few tears leaked out, I certainly wouldn’t have let the truth of my feelings flow freely. Oddly enough, my character does a lot of “crying” and “wailing”, and there’s even a scene where I am in hysterics. I actually think I’ve been pulling from my real feelings to accomplish these moments this week. I can fake it well enough, but really leaning into it has had the effect of a pressure valve to allow me to release some of it. I think it’s the reason I haven’t had an absolute meltdown over any number of small things throughout the days at home this week.
This morning, as I was driving home from taking the kids to school, I was reflecting on last night’s realization, and another thought dawned on me: creatives, especially actors, are REALLY good at masking their struggles, pain, and feelings. Most people are pretty good at hiding, sure, but I believe that either this ability to hide/mask makes us good at acting OR being good at acting gives us the tool of being able to mask what’s really going on inside. If we follow that logic a little further, we can assume that our creative friends are probably struggling with a lot more than what they let on. How many times have we seen this played out in real-life Hollywood? Lives extinguished as a result of so many methods of self-medicating or being so completely overcome by the heaviness that they could not go on. SO, check on your friends. Be the one that cares enough to ask how that beautiful soul is holding up. Be the one that pauses long enough to earnestly listen to them if they choose to bear their soul to you. Consider it an honor to behold that flickering ember and an opportunity to fan it into a blazing flame that will continue sharing warmth and joy not only with you but rooms full of souls searching for a momentary respite from this cold, cruel world.
Spicy Soul Survival 