ONE WEEK MIGHT BE ALL I GET
It’s been a long time since I posted…I’ve been pretty dialed-in on starting my REFIT© biz back up. I didn’t realize how much I missed it until I got back to doing it. REFIT is a dance cardio group fitness format that I teach. I would never consider myself a dancer. I don’t feel like I have rhythm. I’ve had no formal dance training, and dancing wasn’t really a part of my life growing up. BUT I have always loved music. It moves me deeply, in my soul, AND it soothes my mind. It helps so much with my PMDD symptoms, that I can’t imagine not doing it. I want to keep dancing forever!
My PMDD has been getting pretty hard to handle again lately. I’m sure it’s stress-induced. Our youngest has been in and out of the hospital this month. He’s our first to ever have to go to the ER, ride in an ambulance, or stay in the hospital, so it’s been a pretty wild month. I’ve noticed, though, that I can handle these stressful things life throws at me pretty well when I’m not in a PMDD phase. Lately, it feels like that’s only about one week out of the month, but I’m thankful for the one week.
PMDD makes my mind feel like every thought is swirling around me, and I can’t grab on to the right one. It feels like there are shadows lurking around every corner of my mind, waiting to pounce on me, and it feels like the people I love the most are the enemy. Every unexpected noise feels as loud and startling as a gunshot, and my children tapping me on the arm feels as offensive as if they had punched me instead. Every question feels like an interrogation, and every bit of clutter feels like an assault on my senses. It is a horrible way to live. I don’t wish it on anyone. But after the worst of it, I awake to find myself entering that one week of peace and clarity. It is always a surprise, because when I am in the thick of it, I believe that is all my life is – being assailed by my family and my environment. I don’t even have the clarity of mind to wait in hope for the respite that is coming.
Then, the sun shines. Often literally, but also metaphorically. One week of clarity might be all I get most months, but I am thankful for it. Now that I am recognizing it for what it is, I am able to lean into it – use it to my advantage. I am able to really dig in and get some things done that felt absolutely impossible last week. I can write this blog post, for example. If I had tried to do this last week…well, I wouldn’t have even tried. The hard part is facing the reality that one week is all I might get…one quarter of my month/year/life… I’m trying to give myself a lot of grace in light of that realization, but it’s hard. It’s frustrating that the things I can’t get a handle on during those hard days are the things that make the hard days SO hard. It’s literally like one step forward, three steps back. I was lamenting that pretty deeply yesterday, but at the end of every day, I know Who holds my “tomorrows.” He holds me fast when I feel like I might fly into a million pieces, and I would be a COMPLETE wreck without the steadfast love of the Lord in my life.
Spicy Soul Survival 