IS THIS A STAGE?
As I sit here staring at the blinking cursor, I’m proud of myself for making it this far. I’ve started this post a hundred times in my head over the last seven months. I’ve felt shame for starting yet another project with fervor, only to leave it sitting as I mentally despise it for “making” me feel this way.
I have twelve more minutes before I have to head out the door to take my daughter to school, and I resolve to publish this post before I stand up – no re-reading, no editing, no wrapping up, no polishing. You get whatever I have time to spill out, and I’ve decided to be okay with that. It is the first step toward getting un-stuck, I think.
It’s been about 9 months since my grandmother’s passing, and last week marked one year since my mother-in-law’s passing. This year has crawled on at a snail’s pace, but I simultaneously feel like I have lived a decade in these short months. So much has happened, but here, in this space of talking about what goes on in my mind and soul – I have felt so very stuck.
It is, in many ways, the age-old dilemma of the artist’s ideals versus reality. I wanted to write a post specifically dedicated to my grandmother, artfully displaying with my words all of the things she was to me and meant to me. I have felt like I can’t (or shouldn’t) write anything else until I have accomplished that goal. I want others who did not know her to be able to know how deeply and wholly she impacted my life – mind, heart, and soul.
(Four minutes)
Maybe it’s my inability to find the perfect words, or maybe it is that there are not perfect words for this task.
(Two minutes)
(One minute)
Regardless, I am deciding to stop mentally passing by this space with feelings of shameful avoidance. I am deciding to grab on to whatever thread I can catch hold of, pull myself out of the muck, and continue.
(Negative one minute)
Spicy Soul Survival 