Amygdala
Oftentimes, when someone asks me, “How are you?” my response is, “I’m surviving.” 😅 Usually, we’ll both chuckle, because in many ways, we both know it’s a statement about how hard life is. I really struggle with that question, though. I wonder, “Do you really want to know how I’m doing, or are you just saying that because it’s the courteous thing to say?” I also struggle to say, “I’m good,” when I rarely feel like that’s true. I don’t want to feel like I’m lying to the person – especially if it is someone I know. I ALSO struggle with it because I don’t always want to talk about how I’m doing or how I’m feeling. And then, sometimes, I actually have a lot to say, but I’ve learned that most people don’t actually want to hear it. But, I also want to be a good friend and not just talk about myself the whole time. 🤪 I’ve heard people talk about answering with things that are true regardless of how one feels, like, “I’m blessed,” but is that really how you’re doing or how you’re feeling? It might be true, but it’s definitely not always how I feel.
Anyway, I thought I’d talk a little about the inspiration for the “Survival” bit in the name of my blog. I have lived a great deal of my life in survival mode. I’m not sure I’m ready to discuss the reasons for that yet, but if you’ve read my other posts, you know that I’ve said I have a condition called PMDD, and I have been diagnosed with narcissistic abuse disorder and codependence. Basically, those last two mean that I learned very early in life how to survive. A lot of it meant keeping my head down and my mouth shut, but it also meant that I learned how to play out every possible scenario of an upcoming situation in order to puzzle out how to make it through with as little backlash as possible. This is the kind of thinking that a person only really needs when they’re in a dangerous situation and need to find a safe way out. Sometimes, it is a benefit because it allows me to be great at planning ahead and anticipating possible outcomes. Much of the time, though, it just leads to a terribly busy and anxious mind. It is EXHAUSTING.
Experiencing trauma can actually leave your brain stuck in a “fight or flight” state – the amygdala can remain “activated” when it isn’t supposed to be. This can cause things like PTSD and severe anxiety. It’s interesting research. I actually learned a lot of this from my neurofeedback therapist. Neurofeedback therapy has helped TREMENDOUSLY with my PMDD symptoms. I actually went in for a couple of booster sessions after the hellish beginning we had to our year (see Over It), and even though things have not slowed down, I am not feeling nearly as panicked all the time like I was a few weeks ago. (Would you believe just last Thursday, TWO of my close relatives were in the ER in the same evening?! And I’m getting over bronchitis, so that’s no fun either. I’m glad I went to the doctor though. I’m starting to feel a little better.) I really do thank the Lord for this advancement in neurological research. It has been known to help with so many things (ADHD, Dyslexia, Anxiety, addiction, PMDD, sleep quality, and much more). I would recommend it to anyone who is considering it as a helpful option.
So, even though most of the time I feel like I’m in survival mode – I feel like I’m just surviving – I know that isn’t actually true. Surviving has a connotation of doing something for yourself, all on your own. It may really feel like that sometimes, but I know that for me, it is far from the truth. I may not usually feel like I am thriving, but I have a broad support system of friends and family helping me along. More importantly, I have the Creator of the universe, who crafted me into the person I am, continuing to mold me into the person I am going to be. In reality, I’m not surviving each day – I’m being rescued 🛟 from it and for it with each moment that passes – and that is actually something pretty wonderful.
P.S. When I start writing these posts, I usually don’t have a “light at the end of the tunnel” wrap-up planned. I don’t really have a plan at all. I just sit down to write about the thing that’s on my mind. When a light 🌤️ thought or moment comes at the end, that is what I believe to be the Holy Spirit reminding my soul of the truth that God speaks to us through the Bible. It’s not that I’m trying to sweep away all of the awful things I’ve experienced and felt — it is that I have hope because of Jesus’s love in my life. I am just passing it along to you. 🫶🏻
Spicy Soul Survival 