2024 edition

It’s a long one, y’all. buckle-up!

I was texting with my SIL the other day, lamenting over everything that has happened in our life since Christmas. Around early February, it was starting to feel like too much. By the end of February, I was having mild panic attacks. Come mid-March, I had to be the strong one for a while, but after a time I just couldn’t hold it together anymore (really thankful for my brother in that moment). Now, it is well into April, and I am just trying to make it through each day, one at a time. Jesus, my family, and close friends are about all that are keeping me from completely losing it these days. I told her I am over 2024 already. Listing everything out makes me feel like I’m “whining” about my life, but I’ve had more than one friend tell me it’s a LOT. So, I decided to be open about it for the sake of hopefully being an encouragement to others – or even just a place for someone to say, “Me too.” Fair warning, you might need to take a break to breathe deep and take in some fresh air and sunshine about half-way through this. 😬

Christmas was hard. We are a family of 7, and 5 of us had the flu. Poor K2 had the flu AND strep throat simultaneously. Hubs and K1 played nursemaid to all of us, and we managed to have a pleasant time opening presents and such on Christmas morning. The kids and I were very much lamenting the absence of our traditional visits with grandparents and cousins. It didn’t feel like Christmas. We made the best of it. We love Jesus and wanted to celebrate Him, but it was hard not to be sad. We finally celebrated Christmas about a week into January, and my brother’s family still had to miss because they were sick!

January brought a case of strep throat for K5, who had just turned 2. Poor guy wouldn’t eat or even drink water. I was concerned. 

*PAUSE* for a happy moment: I had a good birthday (even though I nearly forgot it – MY OWN BDAY! 😅). Hubs and I got to go on a date to a restaurant we really like, and it was pure delight. So yummy, I just sat back and reveled in it. Hubs also gave me a Nespresso Vertuo for my bday. It has been heavenly! ☕️
We have been through it, y’all, but I am so glad our marriage is strong. It is a testament to all that the Lord has brought us through over the past 16 years.  

Okay, back to the wringer…a few days after my birthday, I started having an ache in my side on the way home from painting sets for the play I was in. Three hours later, I was heading to the ER, writhing in pain. We suspected a kidney stone (I’ve had them before, but not like this!), but I was also afraid it could have been my appendix. I do not wish that experience on anyone! I have been through natural labor 5 times, and I would say the pain is equal to heavy labor without the reprieve between contractions (short as it may be that far into labor…it helps you know the pain will eventually be over). This experience had me at the point of wondering if this was my life now – writhing in excruciating, unrelenting pain, silently pleading for the medication to bring relief. Thankfully, the stone passed after a week, and I did not spend the ENTIRE time in that much pain – only the first day or two. Passing a 5mm stone is no joke, friends! Take care of yourself before you end up in an emergency situation!

So, I mentioned being in a play. My text to my director that day went a little like this: I can’t be at rehearsal tomorrow, I just spent the afternoon in the ER. The next day, she texted to see how I was doing. Me: I’m feeling ok, I think I should be able to be at rehearsal tomorrow. Then, to my mom: Hey, I can’t drive with this pain med but I’m pretty sure I can rehearse, would you be able to drive me? 🙃 I actually didn’t need the heavy pain meds much after that, thankfully, and I drove myself to rehearsal. They weren’t kidding when they said, “The show must go on.” 😅

On the afternoon of February 9th, as I was getting ready for opening night, we received the news that my MIL had been sent to the hospital after a test revealed “cancer markers.” (6 months prior, on a similar test, there was no indication of cancer.) 5 days later, on Valentine’s Day, the prognosis was that she had about two weeks left. The following week, she was sent home for hospice care. It was surreal having everything happen that quickly and definitely hard to even begin to process it, especially for Hubs.

A couple days later, I got word from my mom that they were taking my grandmother to the ER. Some symptoms she’d been having for a couple months finally had her choosing not to eat or drink, leading to severe dehydration. At the time, her symptoms were SO similar to my MIL’s that I was a panicked hot mess. I had to hide in my closet to let some of it out so I didn’t freak my kids out. On top of my own grief, HOW IN THE HECK was I going to walk my 5 children through the grief of losing their Grammy, and now possibly their our Meme?!?! I actually don’t remember much of that day except I know I went to visit Meme later that evening. She went on to spend over two weeks in the hospital with some pretty scary stuff (like her lungs filling up with fluid that first day in the ER and sepsis).

After everything else, would you believe that we had to take our cat to the pet ER less than a week later?! They told us he may not have made it through the night if we had decided to wait until morning. He spent 3 days in the hospital and is thankfully doing well now. I am thankful that it was even possible for us to do this financially. On top of EVERYTHING else, to have K2 lose her beloved kitty (she is his person) that we raised from 24 hours old – it would have been too much. It alreadyWAS too much before that!

On March 9th, my grandmother was sent home from the hospital. Less than 24 hours later, they were calling her an ambulance because she was having trouble again. Come to find out, she still had sepsis as well as complications from a procedure she had while in the hospital. She went on from there to spend at least two more weeks in the hospital AND about two weeks in a rehab facility, building up her strength so she could walk again and come home. 

Mid-March, Hubs decided it was time to start staying with his mom overnight as she was declining more rapidly. The next morning, he called to say he would not be coming home as planned because she would likely pass soon. I loaded up the kids and headed over to be with him. The house was full of her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids – weeping, remembering, laughing, smiling, sharing, and again, weeping. Grief is strange. There is comfort in being with your family, yet something inside that wants to flee. There is a yearning to be near the one you’re losing, and a deep desire to escape so you don’t have to face it. I watched my dear K2 blossom in strength and determination as she insisted on being near Grammy until the end. Watching her grieve in those moments was both heart-rending and incredibly beautiful. The next evening, as I was returning from settling the younger kiddos with my mom, there was a commotion as I walked through the door of my in-laws’ home. I am not presumptuous enough to say that I think she was waiting for me or even that she knew I hadn’t been there. I do wonder, though, if she knew K2 would need me – or at least that the Lord knew I should be there at that moment. All I know is that at almost the very moment I walked through the door that night, my mother-in-law left her broken, pain-riddled body behind and entered into the arms of her Lord – and just as the previous morning – their home was full of the sounds of her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids weeping, laughing, remembering, and weeping still more over  this incredible woman that loved us all so fiercely.

You would think my story would be winding down by now, right? You would think…. Two days later, as we were all making preparations for my MIL’s services, my BIL (husband to Hubs’s older sister) suffered an unusual stroke that left him unable to see except with his peripheral vision. Over  the next week, we held services for my MIL – but in the middle of the week, my 81 year old grandfather had a wreck on the way to visit my grandmother in the rehab facility (cue another panic attack, hiding in the closet from my kids). You just can’t make this stuff up, y’all.  

Easter was good. The kids had fun. We enjoyed spending time with our church family, but there was a cloud settled over each moment. I know if I’ve been feeling it, the kids have been feeling it. We are beyond exhausted. We love each other, yet we are all so emotionally raw that we can’t help but snap at each other. I am thankful for the Lord holding us fast, because I am convinced that this kind of season is the stuff that tears families apart – or at least begins the fissures that rupture those relationships.

April is flying by. We’re settling into our new normal. We get to have breakfast with Papa weekly, and I think it’s just as good for him as it is for Hubs and the kids as they all adjust to Grammy’s absence. Listing out all of the events of the past month, I haven’t hit much on my own inner turmoil. My anxiety has been through the roof, my depression has been in the toilet, and chest tightness/aching is something new. I really have just attributed it to the insane amount of stress, but Hubs was convinced it wasn’t worth the risk of NOT getting it checked out. So, Wednesday, he took me to the ER. Two ER trips in 10 weeks is just – nope. BUT, I’m glad I listened to him because even though my heart is “beautiful” (according to the ER doc), and I wasn’t looking at a potential heart attack, it’s good to have it confirmed by an X-ray and an EKG. I’ve been feeling ok. The chest tightness is still a thing, and we are going to check into that further but holy moly!

And it’s only April. Add into the mix all of the normal things of life: scheduling conflicts, grandparents with declining health, an autism diagnosis for K1, my PMDD, trying to still have some semblance of homeschooling going on around here, homeschool co-op meetings, taekwondo classes, theater rehearsals, church commitments, friends going through difficult times, trying to spend less $, eat healthier, take care of a home, keep pets and plants alive…and the list just goes on and on. Life is hard.

BUT. God is good. I don’t know why we have been through the wringer, but whatever the reason, I know that even in the depths of depression and the insanity of anxiety and PMDD – even in loss and grief and exhaustion – I seriously struggle to remember and believe it most of the time, but God IS good. He will hold us fast. He’s the only reason I’m still breathing, and I will keep trusting Him to carry us through this season of suffering.

As a deer gets thirsty for streams of water,
I truly am thirsty for you, my God.
In my heart, I am thirsty for you, the living God.
    When will I see your face?
Day and night my tears are my only food,
as everyone keeps asking,“Where is your God?”

Sorrow floods my heart, when I remember
leading the worshipers to your house.
I can still hear them shout their joyful praises.
Why am I discouraged?
Why am I restless?
    I should trust you, Lord.
I will praise you again because you help me,
and you are my God.

I am deeply discouraged,
and so I think about you here where the Jordan begins
at Mount Hermon and at Mount Mizar.
Your vicious waves have swept over me
like an angry ocean or a roaring waterfall.

Every day, you are kind,
and at night you give me a song as my prayer to you,
the God of my life.

You are my mighty rock.
Why have you forgotten me?
Why must enemies mistreat me and make me sad?
Even my bones are in pain, while all day long
my enemies sneer and ask, “Where is your God?”

Why am I discouraged?
Why am I restless?
I trust you, Lord!
And I will praise you again because you help me,
and you are my God.

Psalm 42
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